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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.